


Take My Hand in Marriage... And Up Your Ass

by Kylux_TRASH



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Cannoli!Kylux, Clueless Snoke, Crack, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Humor, I also realized that I've never actually written snoke... in any of my fics?, IKR?! Shocker!, Lol the last thing i need in my life is is another multichapter fic, M/M, POV Hux, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Snoke Ships It, Snoke isn't creepy, This is basically me running with that one post about how snoke knows nothing about humans haha, This is gonna be fun!, This is the crackiest thing I've ever written, but here we are, omfg!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 07:34:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9112957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kylux_TRASH/pseuds/Kylux_TRASH
Summary: After Starkiller, Snoke believes that it is necessary to strengthen Kylo's image. Snoke's suggestion is for Kylo to get married.The only problem is that he has to find someone to propose to first.





	1. What the Fuck Have I Done?

**Author's Note:**

> This is honest to god trash. I'm honest to god trash. So.. Ha

Hux and Kylo were standing in Snoke's chamber, waiting for his old, dusty, ass to grace them with his presence. 

Kylo seemed off today. 

Well... more off then the fucking creep always was. 

Hux stood with his back upright,  his attention straight ahead, and well... His chronic RBF was making quite the appearance today. 

Hux looked over at Ren with a sneer, and a barely contained snort. The knight was slumped forward and his hands were curled into fists. 

Luckily Snoke's hologram appeared before Hux could dig deeper into Kylo's clear distraught. 

Snoke was sitting in his chair with a smile. On someone else the smile would have looked reassuring, but because it was Snoke it looked absolutely horrid.

"Hello Gentleman, I trust that you have some good news to share, yes?" 

Hux with his head held high gave a short smile, "Yes supreme leader there are a few things I'd like to share with you-"

"Wait, General before we begin I'd like to focus on my apprentice first. If that's alright with you."

 _Don't fucking Scowl, Armitage._ "Of course supreme leader."

Hux;s expression twitched into a deep scowl. 

"Kylo what is the current status of my newest assignment? It is extremely urgent for this mission to be completed. It is crucial that we speed the pace of said mission, so that we can move on from the significant loss of Starkiller." 

Hux heard Kylo sigh through the mask, "Well, mission," Kylo coughed, "Get hitched, is experiencing some difficulties."

Hux's left eyebrow raised.  _Mission get hitched? Dafaq?_

"I don't understand why. You have some qualities that humans find aesthetically pleasing? Yes? You can move things around the room with your mind, aren't humans into that?" 

Hux had to bite his lip to prevent him from scoffing. 

"Supreme leader-" 

"It just baffles me Kylo, it truly does. You're a catch, any human would be lucky to have you as a husband." 

Hux gasped and turned his eyes widely staring at Kylo in shock. 

_Snoke wants Kylo... to get married?!_

The thought made Hux try not to laugh so hard that it appeared that he was smiling.

No _human-- Or any creature with the capability to breathe- in their right mind would ever "get hitched" to Kylo. Never!_

"Supreme leader, there have been some difficulties." Kylo mumbled, his voice sounding awfully tired even through the voice modulator. 

"Difficulties such as..."

Before Kylo could open his mouth Hux found himself speaking up.

He threw his hand in the air and wildly proclaimed, "I volunteer as tribute!"


	2. No....Seriously....What thE FUCK HAVE I DONE?!!?

Kylo whipped his head around in such a cartoony way, and Snoke squinted his eyes at Hux. 

_oh shit wrong movie._

"I uhh.. What I meant to say is that, me. I am. I am uhhh Kylo's bride." 

Kylo jumped back. 

The air was tense, and Hux was afraid that Snoke would take one look into his mind and see that he was lying. 

No one said anything for five seconds, and then Snoke smiled. 

"Gooodddd, this is good!" Snoke's smiled impossibly deepened. He looked a little like the Grinch.

"This is wonderful! The Powerful General Hux marrying the Great Kylo Ren! Ha! We should begin wedding preparations immediately! How soon do you think you can wed?" 

Hux gulped. 

"Uhhhh...." is all that came out of Kylo Ren's mouth. 

"How about Friday?" Snoke offered. 

"Which Friday Supreme Leader?" Hux asked, panic rising in his body. 

"Why this one of course!" 

"Supreme leader, it's Sunday! Planning a wedding takes work, time and resources-Those resources mainly being money, money which we don't have. It's also going to be-"

Snoke waved Hux off, "Don't worry about money, you two just plan the wedding, and I'll do the rest! You don't even have to worry about an officiant, I will marry you too. Yes, this is going to be great, don't you two think?"

Hux's face paled. 

Both men mumbled, "Yes Supreme Leader." 

"Good, I will see you both in two days! Goodbye!" 

Snoke's hologram dissipated into the air. 

Leaving the two men to stare ahead in shock and complete confusion over what the fuck just happened. 


	3. #TFW Your Coworker Tells Your Boss That You Two Are Engaged, But You Hate His Ginger Ass

Kylo ripped off his helmet and threw it across the room. 

The helmet clanked in the room and Hux winced at the sound. 

"WHAT THE FUCK HUX!?" Kylo turned towards the man, anger written clearly in his face. His cheeks were red, and his brown eyes were wildly searching Hux's face. 

"I admit, I acted in ummm, haste." 

"Ya.. You think?!" Kylo put his hand on his hip and the other one pinched his nose. 

"Why are you doing this to me?" 

Hux froze at that, he found those words even more shocking than his previous actions. 

"Doing this  _to_ you. You mean for you, you ungrateful hoe! I just saved your hide! You are on thin ice with Snoke, and you're lucky I was here to step in and help you out!" Hux jabbed his pale, and perfectly manicured finger at Kylo's chest. 

Kylo pouted, Hux was right. Snoke was getting more and more disappointed and short with Kylo, it was only a matter of a few months before Snoke ordered one of the knights to kill him. 

Kylo's pout deepened, he hated when General Ginger was right. 

One question still remained. 

"Why, though?" 

"Why did I help you?" Hux asked.

Kylo nodded.

Hux straightened his posture and sneered at Kylo. 

"For my own personal gain of course." 

Kylo folded his arms and sniffled, "And that would be what exactly? What do you want?" 

Hux snorted, "Like I'd tell you. I'd rather hold onto that little secret myself." 

Kylo tried to peer into Hux's mind to find the answer but Hux was dividing pi by three, as a way to shield Kylo from his thoughts. 

Hux smirked when he sensed Kylo inside of his head. 

Kylo growled, "Whatever your mind is as dull as our marriage is probably going to be?" 

Hux gasped at that. "Oh yea well what are you going to do to make it so great Kylo?! Do tell!" 

"What are  _you_ going to do Hux? What do you have to offer?" 

Hux's face reddened, "I can cum for twelve seconds straight, the fuck you bringing to the table?!" 

Kylo's pale face instantly turned redder, and he held out his hand to summon his helmet to his arms. 

He put it on and promptly walked out of the room, leaving Hux to gloat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL I can't take credit for that "Can cum for 12 seconds straight the fuck you bringing to the table" joke. It's from a Brandon Rogers video. Lol!

**Author's Note:**

> Hoped you enjoyed this shit!  
> Hahah, these chapters will probably be short, and I'm going to try and update this fic every Friday, but I'm not making any promises. 
> 
> Hmu on the tum-bu-lar: [oforlikelalune](http://oforlikelalune.tumblr.com/)


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